Ayesha A Kazi: “The Power of Direction”
This I Believe
The Power of Direction
by Ayesha A Kazi
For the last six years, I’ve been a less-than-average student. I hardly got through high school. Actually, if it wasn’t for the pandemic, I probably would have failed senior year. Even after that, I failed in all of my classes, my first semester here. Right here, right now, looking at myself in the mirror, I can’t recognize the woman who stares back at me. She looks confident, driven while all I feel is a struggle and a constant need to hold on to the edge and not fall off as my life drives by me.
The world tilted, as I was reading the mail, the floor was spinning. Spring of 2021; at the end of the semester, I found out I was on the Dean’s list. Four months of hard work had paid off. Never had a problem doing hard work, but I also couldn’t do anything I have to do consistently. Even now, if I decided to exercise every day, two days later will be the end of it for me. I’ve been trying to write a book for two years now and I can’t get past a certain point. I always manage to convince myself I’ll do it tomorrow. Hours upon hours of time spent doing absolutely nothing.
High School; a disaster. Always set such lofty goals and never actually completed them. I tried to get an IB diploma, worked hard for three quarters and then just gave up. Now, I think, if only I had done three more quarters, I could have done it. I keep making the same mistakes; if I start something and am not good at it, then I can’t do it all. When I didn’t do my summer assignment for my Biology class, that was the end of it. I had a week to complete it but I didn’t because I thought that was it. I fail before I even start.
Driving to my Calculus class now, I feel a sense of accomplishment and purpose. Dizziness overtakes me as I walk to class, my heart beating three times faster. How will it go? Will I understand what he’s talking about? Or was the last class just a fluke? Will my life always be like I’m falling down Tartarus with no end in sight? This constant struggle and confusion, always tries to trick me into thinking that I can’t do it. But somehow, I find the strength to not listen, to keep going no matter what.
Why is this important? I now know the importance of direction. I know where I’m going. I know what I want. After years spent wandering around (almost never in a straight line), suddenly figuring out what you’re going to do, priorities shift and it is a wonderful feeling, not just to know what you’re doing but to realize that you can actually accomplish something. I’ve always wanted to help people somehow. And I will. It isn’t just about having a major or getting a degree, it’s about finding what was always there inside. And even though it will always be hard, now I know what I want and one day very soon, I will accomplish it all.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Raised in Pune, India (yes, it is near Bombay/Mumbai), Ayesha A Kazi is shooting for a Bachelor’s in Computer Science and eventually, a PhD in AI. She has been living in Virginia for four years now and intends to live here forever. This is her FIRST TIME PUBLISHING her work and hopes that it will go well. Ayesha is working on a novel and hopes to publish it soon! She loves reading, traveling to new places and some more reading (and math) and is dedicated to sleeping as much as she possibly can. She is an environmentalist, feminist and loves to help anyone she can.