Great Shape Kisses: A Sonnet

by Donald Trump

You know the risk groups, the older people.
See, fortunately I’m not an old person.
I’m very young and I’m in such perfect shape.
I’m in such great shape. I went through it.
Now they say I’m immune. I feel so powerful!
I’ll walk into that audience. I’ll walk in there,
I’ll kiss everyone in that audience.
I’ll kiss the guys and the beautiful woman
and everybody. I’ll just give you a big fat kiss!
I am not an old person. I am very young,
and I am in such perfect shape. I am
in such great shape that they said,
“Donald Trump misrepresented today again.
He said he was in great shape, but he’s very young.”

*

Ballots: A Sonnet

by Donald Trump

They send ballots out by the millions.
They have no idea, well, they do actually
have an idea where they’re going. But we say,
“What the hell are they doing? So we have to be
very, very careful with the ballots because
they found ballots in a garbage can last week.
Military ballots, it had the name Trump on them,
and they were in a garbage can. They found 50,000
ballots from Ohio. They find them from North Carolina
dumped in a river. They find them, I think, 500,000
ballots in Virginia. They were incorrect. They’re printing
them wrong. They had one little problem on one
set of ballots, They forgot to put the name of Donald Trump
on the ballot. Other than that, the ballot was quite good.

*

Stopping Things: A Sonnet

by Donald Trump

They want to get rid of our great heroes from the past.
They want to get rid of our history. They want
to get rid of our culture. It was so beautiful, Mount Rushmore,
but they want to blow it up. I said, “Not going to happen.
None of that stuff is going to happen.” But I will
tell you a few months ago, if I weren’t your president,
you would have had the Jefferson Memorial, the Lincoln Memorial…
How about Lincoln? They want to attack even Lincoln!
He’s probably looking down and he’s saying,
“What the hell did I do? I was on their side, I think.
What did I do?” They want to attack Lincoln.
If I wasn’t your president, they would have attacked
the Jefferson Memorial. And I stopped it. I stopped a lot
of things. I also saved your Second Amendment, by the way.

*

Who Knows?: A Sonnet

by Donald Trump

And the mask is always so large, it covers the whole…
I shouldn’t joke, I shouldn’t joke. Because you know what?
Running against the worst candidate in the history
of presidential politics puts pressure on me. Could you
imagine if I lose? My whole life, what am I going to do?
I’m going to say I lost to the worst candidate
in the history of politics? I’m not going to feel so good.
Maybe I’ll have to leave the country. I don’t know.
You know Barron, right? A bright, healthy kid.
Barron tested positive, my son. And by the time
I got to speak to the doctor it was like, “How’s
he doing, Doc?” “He’s okay, now, sir.”
I said, “It’s gone that quick?” Because they have
a great immune system, I guess. Who the hell knows?

*

12 More Years: A Sonnet

by Donald Trump

The only thing we do to make them totally crazy
is we say 12 more years. Right? Then they say,
“See, he is a fascist.” Oh, they’ve covered me.
They’ve covered me every way. They’ve said he is
so stupid. Then they say he’s not really smart.
Then they say he’s trying to take over the entire country.
Then they say no, no, no, no, no, no. He’s a super genius.
He’s more brilliant than every greatest ever.
He’s trying to take over the entire world. So, I go
from not being smart to being the smartest person
in history, but evil. Someday they’re going to say,
“You know what? He was a smart guy, ran a great country.”
So if I don’t always play by the rules it’s because
I was elected to fight for you . You think this is easy?

*

Ivanka: A Sonnet

by Donald Trump

Don’t you think my daughter’s hot? She’s hot, right?
You know who’s one of the great beauties of the world,
according to everybody? And I helped create her. Ivanka.
My daughter, Ivanka. She’s 6 feet tall, she’s got the best body.
Can I ask you something? Is it wrong to be more
sexually attracted to your own daughter than your wife?
Yeah, she’s really something, and what a beauty,
that one. If I weren’t happily married and, ya know,
her father … She’s actually always been very voluptuous.
Would Ivanka posing for Playboy be really disappointing?
Not really. She does have a very nice figure. I’ve said
that if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.
She wanted to make a trip. She said, “Dad, can I go with you?”
She said actually, “Daddy, can I go with you?” I like that, right?