Haven Dawkins: “Always Changing”

Growing up, things around me were always changing. This constant shifting made me feel like I needed more stability. I began to follow an unintentional routine. Everything happened in the same order, at the same time, every day. I also began to come up with the notion that everything has its place. But as I grew older, I started to dislike the person I was becoming.

I didn’t have many friends when I was younger. Since I was so set and comfortable in my ways, I didn’t feel like I needed any. If they didn’t fit into my routine, then they had no place in my life. I felt isolated and different. In my 8^thgrade year, I wanted to change how I’ve been. Change…it was a scary concept in my 13- 14-year-old brain. I decided to take a chance and audition for my school play. Scared as I was, I got the lead. I had to change my routine around as rehearsals and show nights were announced.

I made a group of friends that I never would have expected if I didn’t step out of my comfort zone. I was the happiest I had been in a while. But as 8^th grade wrapped up and high school started to approach, more change was to come my way. I started to see myself fall back into my old routine, a routine refusing to change. I began to become unhappy again. And this is when I finally realized, I was getting myself back because I was afraid of change.

I was missing out on so many things because I didn’t like change. New friendships, relationships, and experiences. From then on, I was more open to new things. I let myself live and stopped holding myself back from all the opportunities I had.  I will admit, though, that change still has a small hold on me. There’s been times that I set myself back even more by fighting, rather than accepting change.

I spent 2 years not wanting to let go of my ex because I was afraid of a life without him, having to change things because they wouldn’t involve him. I had become so entangled within a routine that was dependent on him. Me leaving him, or walking away from our relationship scared the hell out of me. But I look back now and see all the people I missed out on because I wasn’t willing to allow change, something that didn’t involve him.

But I can also look back, into the more recent past, and see all the people I didn’t miss out on, or into the future with all the possibilities I have all because I finally was willing to accept change in that aspect of my life.  Because of this, I believe change is not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just different. It’s something that allows you to grow as a human being, and access and reach your fullest potential, in every aspect of your life. It’s a part of life and rather than run from it why not embrace it.

Change allowed me to open up to new people, allowing me to have a circle of friends that I can trust and rely on. Change gave me the opportunity to find out who I really am and who I can really be.  It may be scary, or even intimidating but at the end of the day… change is just the doorway to something new.

***

(Read all the pieces in This I Believe)

(Featured image by geralt, used under Pixabay license)

1