Bad Marriage Day

Bad Marriage Day

It is one of those red-hot fearsome
Bad marriage days
Punctured by rage and utter
Misunderstanding that language
Can’t bridge
Each word
Makes the day darker
My mind staggers
I don’t know how we got here
I don’t know how it’s possible to hate
Some one I love so much
Or love someone I hate so much
Right now

And yet I ride the anger
Pushing back against the stirrups
Leaping out of the gate
Thrashing up and down
Stone cold in the middle
Not caring anymore
Not counting the consequences
Just white hot freezing rage inside.
All I really want right now is
To end it
Lifetimes of disappointment
Well up all at once
Drowning us both
Deep hurts made deeper
Held closer
Remembered forever

How did it get this bad
Yesterday was fine
And the day before
Two cats sunning together
On the same old porch
Then later
Walking down the hall
Hiss at each other
For no apparent reason
Arch and hiss again
Snarl black
Screeching guttural evil
Scratch and claw and roll back and forth
Fur flying
Bodies tumbling
Over and over
In a wild frenzy of nerves and blood
Then abruptly stop
Walk away
Lick wounds
Only to sun hours later
In the very same place
On the very same porch

I never know how we get here
An accumulation of slights maybe
Not listening
Taking for granted
Bull headedness
Some random explosive charge
Breaking the sameness
And boredom of it all
Passions speaking in tongues
All lit up like the fourth of July

I am lost right now
Scratched and bruised
Facing her
Eyes down
Trying to hear through the
Screaming fever
In my head
Trying to figure it out
Where the beginning was
Where the end will be
Surely I must be right
Or is she?
I can’t make sense of this
Who is at fault?
Who has the moral high ground?
The stalemate drones on
I can’t look at her
I am afraid of her pain
Looking back at me
I want to close my eyes and sleep
I want to run away
Anything now said
Will insight
I best be quiet
I best apologize
I best hug and hold her
Even though I don’t want
To touch her at all
I best put myself aside
I best reach out
For our best interest
I’m at my best when I can do this
I tentatively wrap my arms around her
She is stiff rigid
Held up by hurt
She can’t let go for fear of falling
After a time she starts to soften
Half trusting
We cry silently inside
Holding what’s left

Moments later
It’s hard to imagine
Hating her as
I did
Just moments before
Soft forgiving
Quiet and still
Wondering if old wounds
Carried through lifetimes
Could in fact
Be endured
For yet another day

What are you looking for?