I’m writing this all down to process through my grief,
The first of my emotions were pain and disbelief.
At 6am stood the policeman knocking on my door,
Delivering to me the heart wrenching news, alive you were no more.
Fighting back my tears, I tried to tell him I’m okay,
But I wasn’t dad, not at all, I just didn’t know what else to say.
He asked me if there was someone I could talk to,
But there wasn’t, the only person that could make it better would be you.
I saw him out and then broke down,
In my emotions, I didn’t want to drown.
Pulling myself together, I knew what I had to do,
I had to be strong and let everyone know that together we’ll get through.
I remember you, lying there as I said my last goodbye,
I’m reminded that it’s real, I break down and cry.
Why can’t someone tell me, that it’s all a great big joke,
You always were a fan of those, you were genuinely a top bloke.
The truth is, it wouldn’t be funny but at least you’d still be here,
Because this empty hole inside my heart, it’ll never disappear.
I took my time with you for granted and that will always be a regret,
If I was to put it simply, I’m just not ready to let go yet.
There’s nothing I wouldn’t give for one last hug, one last conversation,
It hurts to know I can’t have that though, for now I must be patient.
If only I could see your bright blue eyes light up, with a smile upon face,
Somehow in this difficult time, the world would seem a better place.
Every night before you went to sleep, you’d send a message to say goodnight,
I’ll never get that message again but somehow, I have to be alright.
Dad you were my best friend, my rock, a teddy bear,
You held some secrets deep within that you felt you couldn’t share.
I’m angry that life treated you, in such a cruel and hurtful way,
That you felt you were unable to, fight to see another day.
Please don’t think I blame you dad, I’m just trying to understand,
I wish you could have come to me and I’d have held your hand.
Now I’m not a perfect daughter, that much is true,
I can be stubborn and a brat but I really do love you.
Just the other month when I was whining you said, sweetheart I’ll sort your drive,
So come on dad please wake up, you’re supposed to still be alive.
That’s just the kind of man you were, a heart full of gold,
Without the warmth of your embrace, I feel a little cold.
When I think of the future, at the moment it looks bleak,
Stood here as I say goodbye, my knees are extremely weak.
There’s so much you’ll miss out on, although I swear I’ll make you proud,
But for now I have to fight my way through, this dark and heavy rain cloud.
If only you were able to see,
How much you truly mean to me.
It seems like no-one could understand the despair that I am feeling,
But that’s not true because we have all lost you and now we must start the healing.
With all the messages I’ve received, showing that people care,
It’s the unfortunate reality, that life isn’t fair.