Push Send

The only thing left to do is push “send”.
That’s what we do now, push “send”.
No licking the envelope,
damp sealing it shut,
selecting a perfect stamp,
the one that means something to me.
 
No imprint of a lipstick kiss,
mist of fragrance on the envelope,
return address in my own handwriting, 
before it is dropped in the blue metal box
and out of my control forever.
 
Push “send” has no romance.
Fingers touching good stationary,
passionate strokes of the pen,
saying more than words alone.
It arrives in an instant.
only a heart beat of anticipation, 
Squeezed between an advertisement and the power bill.
Won’t be saved in a shoe box
or savored years later as a lovely memory.
 
Maybe I won’t push send.
I’ll push delete,
take my heart off my sleeve,
and get on with my day.
I begin to cry. 
Not boo hooing with shaking shoulders,
silent chandelier tears running down my cheeks, 
like the constant stream of longing that is running in my heart.
Why can’t I just push “send”?
 
If I were Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Emily Dickinson, or Anis Nin,
I’d be wearing a delicate lace dressing gown.
Hair piled high on top of my head, 
a stray curl on my cheek,
exposing some come hither.
I’d be sipping lavender tea
in a red velvet chair.
They never pushed “send”.
 
Instead I wear an old rose print house dress
worn as thin as the sheers on the window,
a cigarette burn on the sleeve,
the homage to quitting smoking. 
At times like these
I am not so glad I did.
I miss the smoke screen veil over my fragile self-awareness
softening the bare-naked words on a cold cyber page. 
 
I’ve put my heart on a page before.
The tree outside my window knows. 
Gardeners cut off her branches last winter
leaving her looking like a hat rack.
Now she is covered in lush green leaves.
If my words are not understood 
will my leaves grow back?
Or will I drown in an ocean of shame
over the things I like best about myself.
 
 
 If I push “send”
 Let me be unapologetic for being sentimental
 and giving words to the unspoken.
 Let me trust the magic of this moment
 and let go of illusive expectations.
 Let me keep my heart soft
 and forgive the hardness in this world.
 
 I take a deep breath
 and like a terrified sky diver preparing for the free fall
 I push “send”. 
 
  

What are you looking for?