There was an epiphany I needed to have,
but I was too afraid to experience it.
Simply because I knew that when I did
it would result in one of two things:
Perhaps, it would be the catalyst for the change
in perspective and attitude that I desperately needed,
or a painful decision I’d regret for the rest of my existence.
I found myself this close to giving up on a dream
that’s been my reason for existing for the past 22 years.
The one that I have to think about to fall asleep at night,
the one that I lose myself daydreaming about during the day.
Lately, I’m often plagued by a set of queries:
“Should I continue?”
“Will my efforts be in vain?”
“Will I ever achieve it?”
“Am I good enough to achieve it?”
My dream or more so the doubts I have surrounding it
has become a dark cloud that looms above me
and that I can never shake or remain undrenched from.
I’m never safe from the rain,
and therefore, I need to address this storm directly.
When you’re this close to giving up on a dream, you don’t know how to feel.
Life becomes a meaningless, colorless, drab world devoid of its former spark.
It can even alter your identity,
All your hopes, the things you saw yourself as,
the very essence of your existence feels altered and invalid.
You’ll feel an excruciating pain that is unexplainable and
can’t be treated at your local clinic,
or the ER because no medication can cure it.
There’ll be teardrops on the page.
You’re going to bawl like a baby
and you might even cry yourself to sleep.
You’ll think what are the ramifications?
Will I try to live vicariously through someone else?
Will this be a mediocre, unhappy life?
You’re going to feel like you deserve to feel this way.
Like you are not good enough,
like you are pathetic and worthless.
Because what am I going to do?
Who am I without my dream?
I was this close to giving up on my dream.
I cried my ugliest cry until I physically couldn’t cry anymore,
I was going to punch a wall or two
but remembered I couldn’t afford to pay for the damages.
Instead, I just went for a walk.
And on that walk, my path was derailed by construction,
construction that’s always going on but never done.
So, as I had to walk another way, it clicked.
I’m not ready to give up on my dream and I’m never going to be.
I know I’ll live a life of regret if I ever do.
Sometimes you just have to believe a little harder.
Sometimes you just have to take another route towards it.